Thursday, October 27, 2011

Past Memories - Suppression or nothing?

I've had a lot of time to think the last 3 days being without power and heat. It was a good reflection time. Every few years my past creeps up on me and I need to journal and find myself again, remember where I've come from and where I am now. Journaling is the best therapeutic process I've ever known. It's funny to me how we suppress memories and others flood our minds. I'd love to hear how you deal with these memories, and how do you recall them, even the ones you don't remember?

Would the real BK Walker please stand up....

I have one memory that sticks out in my mind before the age of six. It's not a great memory, but it is one of my first memories of my real father.

He was wearing a white football jersey with red numbers. I remember the night being fun with a movie and laughing involved. I'm not really sure of my exact age, maybe 2 or 3. We arrived home to a dark house and it was dark outside. He carried me in his arms and we walked through the door. My mother walked out from beside a food cupboard she had been hiding behind and snatched me from my fathers arms. Instantly I cried, grabbing my dad's jersey holding on with all my might. Screaming over and over I pleaded, "Daddy don't leave me!" "Daddy don't go!" He pulled my hands free of him and walked out the door.

Later I found out he had been cheating on my mother, and had me to the movies with his woman and her two children.  My mother was no dummy and just wanted her only child away from the floozie and cheating husband.

How does a child cope with that? That being one of the few memories remembered of their childhood?

I never really had a male role model as I grew up. My parents divorced and my father always walked away. Sure my Mom had boyfriends, they came and they went. None ever stuck around long enough though for me to consider them anything other than "Mom's boyfriend".

What I believed for sure, and always expected, men in your life will always walk away.

My mom is and was a good woman. She always tried to give me what she wasn't able to have herself as a child, including my first horse, but when things got rough - she'd send me to my grandparents. The exact place she couldn't wait to get away from, and the reason she married my father right out of high school. Silly woman.

From the age of 8 until I was 13, that is where I stayed. I'd go home on the weekends, sometimes not. I guess it would depend on whether my aunt was able to come home with me or not. Those memories are a little foggy.

Now I bet you're wondering what was it that was so bad to drive 3 children and 1 grandchild to count down the days to when they'd be free to leave my grandparents house,  right?

It was my grandfather.

Grandpa was a man straight out of the 50's. He married, he worked, he had kids, and he was an alcoholic.

He provided for his family, sure. Gram didn't have to work, there was always food on the table, but all that came second to his drinking. That brings me to my next set of childhood memories.

Grandpa drank every single day. Sometimes he would make it home for supper, which was expected to be ready and waiting on the table, other times he didn't and would go straight to the bar.

I remember how tense the house would become as we waited for him to arrive. If he showed up, you kept your mouth shut and ate your dinner, all of it, in silence. If he didn't show, we'd all breathe a momentary sigh of relief and discuss our day.

Then later, after Gram was called to pick him up at the bar because he was too drunk to drive, all hell would break loose. Grandpa was a very mean drunk.

My aunt and uncle lived there too, though I can't exactly remember when my uncle left home. After he left though is when my aunt and I would be woken up in the wee hours of the night to with Gram to pick him up - drunk. When my aunt could drive, she'd have to drive Grandpa's car home while Gram drove him home.
We'd get home and my aunt and I would hurry off to bed, burying our heads under our pillows while Grandpa screamed his demands on Gram to fix his supper and let us know how worthless we all were.

After my aunt left home, I was left to deal with it all on my own. I became a very angry person.

The only time Grandpa talked to me was when he was drinking. He would tell me I was no good, I would never amount to anything, I'd be just like my father and I was going to burn in Hell because I was a sinner, and Jesus hated sinners.

I know, it seems weird to throw religion into the midst of all this love, but my Grandmother was a God-fearing woman. I think that is how she endured so much, because of her belief. I don't know how else she made it any other way.

She tried to raise us right, always preaching to us on how to be right with God. I can remember her teaching me scripture (John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life) and singing hymns (Jesus Loves The Little Children) with me, but I just could not get past how she lived. I always asked her why she married him and why she didn't divorce him. I don't remember her answer, but I'm sure it had to do with the bible.  She sure put up with a lot of crap.

With that said, my anger only festered. I began to hate my grandfather, resent my Gram for not leaving him, resent my mom for sending me there, and mad at my aunt and uncle for leaving me alone. Oh, I was excited when they left at first, only because I now got the big bedroom in the basement, but when Grandpa came home drunk again - I was mad again.

I remember one night laying in bed. I was probably 8. Grandpa came home drunk and yelling, throwing things around. I had to go to the bathroom so bad, but was too scared to go upstairs. I couldn't hold it anymore and peed my red footed pajamas, laying there until I heard my grandfather's car pulling out of the driveway when he left for work at 5am the next morning. I then went upstairs crying and told Gram what I had done. She was very patient and did what she did best, took care of me.

When I turned 13 I couldn't pack my things fast enough to go back home for good. My Mom felt bad and I knew it. I was penting up so much anger though, I just didn't care. I was free of him.

A new life, a new (not so good) path.

Stay tuned for the next self therapeutic session....if you can't wait and want a good idea - check out Death Upon Me.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Crazy Dreams

I have been having some really crazy dreams lately. I'm talking someone trying to kill you and your scared for your life dreams! Have you ever had those kinds of dreams?

Seriously though, I've been dreaming a lot about my past. Especially the people that were in it. Some have since passed away, yet there they are in my dreams as real as can be. The funny thing is though, they are here in PA with me instead of NY. The same places from NY, I mean building or house wise, but in the mountains on some lone dirt road here in PA. The one dream we were at a party in the woods, up on the mountain, and my friends from NY were there. A friend from down here was racing his dirt bike and a tractor trailer jumped a hill, causing him to skid on his side on the bike and the truck landed on the hill with the dirt bike and my friend under the front end as it teetered.  Then we had to hide in this house to stay away from the creatures that were after us, in my minds eye they were like little gremlins. Remember that movie? LOL.

Sometimes the dreams from the entire week just mesh together and I can't make heads or tails of any of them. Now I know I keep a journal on my headboard, and maybe I should have written them down as I woke up, BUT I didn't. Silly me! Right?  Probably would have made for a damn good book! Needless to say it's one of those months where I haven't been getting enough sleep, maybe drinking a little too much, (love that home-made wine ya know, tis the season), and I just didn't have the energy to journal.

My writing MOJO has been a bit off, but I'm slowly getting back on track.

I do have a new works in my head though. And guess what? It doesn't involve vampires or werewolves...HA!  It does involve ghosts though, and maybe a murder mystery :). I'm kind of excited to delve into this genre, as I've not touched it before. Should be exciting!

Sneak Peak into Corbin's Descent: Book 2 in the Night Secrets Series

You get the first look - sshhh! Don't tell anyone

Peering around the corner I was suddenly thrown back by a bright light whizzing by my head. Getting to my knees I saw Zara holding white burning balls in her hands, releasing one that hit Malinda directly in the chest. “Malinda!”

Run lass!” She yelled back pointing back up the stairs.

Invite me in Zara! She's going to get away!”

I turned to run, searching frantically for somewhere to hide, some way to get away from Dante'. I couldn't believe he'd found me. Hiding really wouldn't be an option, he was a vampire and could smell me from a mile away. I ran to Malinda's room, spinning in circles with desperation. Then my grandmothers words whispered through my head. You must learn to control the shift. I stood still and said the words aloud. “You must learn to control the shift.” I knew that the shift was connected to strong emotions, so I took all my fear that was coursing through me and pushed it out. Grandmother had said the shift was all about energy, as is majik. If I could learn to harness the energy, I could learn to master both. I concentrated harder.

Just as the door flew open and Dante' said my name, I shifted into my Raven and flew over his head. He jumped trying to catch me and I barely escaped his clutches. Zara saw me and threw one of her white flaming balls in my direction. “Kin or no kin.” She said as the ball hit my wing, sending me rolling to the ground and out the door.

Being lifted off my feet I screeched. “It's me Sweet Keara.”

Dante'.” Was all I said and he charged the house.

The hit wasn't as bad as I thought as I looked at my shirt smoking. It wasn't a smoke like from fire, but from majik. It was cold and the smoke was blue in color. I had a single mark along my side, but other than that I was unharmed.

I started back into the house to see if Malinda was okay when Zara went flying by me. “Run lass. Run now! Zara ya bes' be thinkin' boot wha' ya be doin'. Ya can n't be goin' back once ya cross tha' line child.” She looked at me one last time. “I said RUN CHILD!”

Without another word I took off running. I had no idea where I was going, but I did chance a look back. Dante' was coming out of the house, running after me. I ran faster, knowing he could catch me in a flat second.

Feeling him grab my arm I was spun around being lifted off my feet. Placing his hands around my throat he grinned. “Finally. I am going to have a pleasant time draining you to your death Keara. You should not fight me, it only angers me.”

I wrapped my hands around his wrist, straining for air. Concentrate child. My grandmothers words whooshed in my ears like a passing wind. Closing my eyes, I let my thoughts and fears go from my mind. I relaxed every muscle in my body, almost going completely limp in Dante's arms. It started with a small vibration, a tingling sensation throughout my entire body. I felt like my hair was about to stand on end, that's how bad the vibration became. Heat started at my core, like a wild fire waiting to explode, and slowly flowed to my extremities. Feeling the heat in my hands, I squeezed just a little bit harder around Dante's wrists. I knew it was coming before it even happened, and when the energy struck, Dante' flew backwards landing on his back. I opened my eyes just in time to see him land on the ground.

Just a little sneak peak into what you can expect heehee. I think you guys are going to love it.

Until next time,

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Halloween - The BEST Holiday EVER!

Hello my awesome ghouls! Are you ready for Halloween yet? Yeah me neither! I'm slow this year on a lot of things but I have to say this is the BEST Holiday! I just love all the creepies, and ghosts, vampires, OMG I love it all. I also love seeing how everyone decorates for Halloween. Who can have the creepiest house that will scare the kids the most for trick or treating MUAHHHHHHAHAHHHAHH!

Will you dare to walk the dark path to knock on the door just for some candy???

Only to be greeted by this....

How about your favorite Halloween Movies?


What's your favorite Halloween Movie? There are so many I KNOW! Heehee but they are all good. Especially the older ones, they just don't make them like they used to. Michael ROCKS!

Did you get pumpkins yet? Me neither lol. My boys haven't started stressing yet though so I'm still good. :). I can't wait though as I got some great new ideas for painting this year instead of carving. For me anyways, the boys will still carve them out haha. They love the guts and gore!

Well ya'll, that's my rant for today. If you have a favorite movie, decorated house or book you'd like to share,  (ya may just have a movie I've not yet seen), leave a "ghostly" comment ahahaha.

See you on the flipside!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Why I've Learned To Never Get Upset

First of all, Night Secrets is getting GREAT reviews! Have you read it yet? If not pick up your copy today. How can you get a free copy? Simply dudes and dudettes! Comment here and I will gladly send it to you. All I ask for in return is an honest review on Goodreads and/or Amazon. I'm sorry, it is only available in E-format currently, but I'm looking into print. I may wait until the second book is complete and print them both into one print copy :).

Keara Crosby had the perfect life. Her family was not hurting for anything. When her parents are suddenly killed, Keara must learn to live without them. After mourning their death for two months, Keara starts to live again. She follows her favorite band, hangs with her best friend Jared, and falls for the new kid on the block.

When her favorite band is playing at Night Secrets, a new club downtown, she takes her first outing since her parents death and finds this mysterious boy watching her. Mesmerized by his lapus blue eyes, she can't help but feel drawn to him. Her body responds to him in ways she never thought possible, and she needs to figure out why. What is it about Channing that has her yearning for his touch?

Not only is Keara drawn to Channing, but the owner of Night Secrets seems to be drawn to her. Giving her special treatment, she can't help but wonder what he's hiding, and the sense she's seen him before. When she's attacked in the parking lot, her world turns inside out, literally. Keara will soon learn that secrets of the night, just may be the death of her.


As of late I'm still without a job, but I'm doing okay. It doesn't make much sense to get upset with the little things, because what I've found is no matter what is happening, things always have a way of working themselves out. I've not fallen behind on my bills, and when I think I won't have enough to make a payment on one, the money always shows up. So we're good here, with no main computer, lack of work, and everyone is happy!

Life is good!

Tip of the day - Don't let the small stuff bother you but roll off your shoulders. It will all be okay as it works itself out!

I really have an angel watching over me - haha may be a means for another book huh?

Speaking of Angels....What are your experiences with them? Have you seen them? Do you believe in them? 

How about spirits? Is anyone so in tune with their psyche that they can see beyond this normal worldly plane we live in? Has anyone ever seen a ghost?

Wow! This may just make for a great poll. Hold on while I go create right back.

I'm very curious as to what you may be thinking. These are just some of the random thoughts that go through my head sometimes lol. Humor me :).

So if you want to get a copy of Night Secrets, don't forget to leave me a comment and your email address and I will gladly send you one. You're going to love it!

Rock on!


Sunday, October 2, 2011

Life as Me....Ugh

I know it's been a while since I've posted here. For those of you that don't know, the little girl I worked with passed away in August. It's been a lot to deal with and I feel like my life is a chaotic mess since. My company has no other work for me, so I've also been off work since August 17th.

My computer has decided to take its last breath so I am now forced to my netbook which is extremely slow and small.

I have been sick for the last 3 weeks too, with a horrible cough.

The job market isn't the greatest, but I am not letting it get to me so much. I've not had much time to write as I was fighting with my computer. It's definitely time for a new one.

On the upside, Night Secrets has been getting some awesome reviews! I'm so excited. I loved this story myself and had a feeling others would too and I was right. If you haven't been able to get your hands on a copy for yourself yet, I'm currently on tour with several excellent comrades for our Romancing Your Dark Side Tour and you can see our entire schedule at , just click on our banner in the left sidebar.